Journey 1- We're Pregnant

So i am going to take you through this most recent tragedy, its not going to be easy but we all have a voice if nothing else and i am using mine. I had been waiting for very specific milestones with this pregnancy. After loosing a pregnancy at 5 weeks we got pregnant again 2 weeks later. Honestly didnt think it was going to happen like that i just thought lets see if it everything is working and yep there ya go...pregnant! So you can only imagine how nervous i was, we only told family and that didnt include my daughter yet. I couldnt bring myself to cause her saddness if we lost it again and trust me i was relieved she didnt know about the first miscarriage. Alas my friends thats the first mistake you can make with children, you cant spare them sadness its part of life. So i waited for my confimation of pregnancy at the midwife center, and yep there it was i was definitly pregnant. I got an ultrasound to confirm how far along i was and for a little comforting bc my midwives are awesome like that. So we were 6 weeks and 1 day at the ultrasound and i let out a little sigh of relief. Not a full sigh though because i really wasnt able to take the wall down from before. i couldnt get attatched yet bc i really didnt feel safe about it, it could still be gone tomorrow. So next milestone is the 9 week appointment where i am going to beg to hear the heartbeat, oh that heartbeat will forever haunt me now. No one knows yet other than my family so baggy shirts, cardigans and jeggings are my best friend. Ok so fast forward to the appointment where i heard my babys heartbeat and it was glorious! I looked at my daughter and said "honey do you know what that is?"she said "no what is it?" i said "its a baby in my belly" she turned to my husband and said "theres a baby in her belly!" She was so excited, hell we all were. So we started to tell people at work and on social network sites and Ruby told everybody! So now its out there in the world, im pregnant, now to just get to the second trimester fingers crossed 3 more weeks! Next milestone is complete i am 12 weeks and out of the danger zone! So we are having our monthly appontments i feel like shit and its a good thing bc it reminds me im pregnant everyday and in some sick and twisted way im glad to be nauseous and have acne. My belly is swelling and its glorious, i can still fit in alot of my clothes but i have to make some adjustments. I still wait though for the little black cloud that is miscarriage . So now we get to the appointment where we get our scrip for the 18-20 week ultrasound to find out the sex and see the baby. I leave and make an appointment as soon as i can to make sure chris can get out of work and Ruby doesnt have school, we wait till right before 20 weeks so we can get the gender as suugested on the phone. Dec 16 at 9am. So now all i do is wait for that milestone, the milestone that says its all ok and we are definitly having a baby!. I start to nest slightly with home improvement projects and buying something like carseats on craigslist.  Im at 15 weeks and i think im starting to feel some movement in my lower belly, i know its soon but i know what they feel like and i swear it was the baby moving, its reassurring and i like it. Now its Thanksgiving and im at 16 weeks and no real movement anymore and im bummed i want to feel the baby, its another milestone. I express my anxiety about the movement and everyone says its probably to soon and it was just gas earlier. bummer. So i decide that i definitly dont want to go into this sonogram without hearing the heartbeat again so i call the midwife and they allow me to come in for a fetal heartbeat check, im at 18 weeks now and all is fine bc there is a good strong heartrate 150. Its always around 150-155 or at least the 3 times ive heard it now. ok so only a week to go and its the day, the day all my fears can rest to the side and i can see my baby. After that quick heart rate check something changes in me i feel like i have turned a bend. I take my clothes out of my closet and make a bin marked "pre pregnancy clothes" i fill my closet with empire waists and ruched tops, drawers fill with maternity leggings and belly bands. Its the holiday season and we have some parties so i buy a nice preggo party outfit and guess what i win Best Local Salon in the city paper, im feeling good. Life is gonna get a little crazy in the spring but im ready, i have put some things in place so i can grow in my personal life as well as in my business. I decide i cant wait for december 16th, i want a 3d/4d sonogram so i lookinto imaging places and i make an appountment for Monday dec 12th instead and im excited, i only have to wait the weekend now. We go to holiday work parties and im glowing i can feel it. im bursting at the chance to talk about my growing baby and how happy Ruby is to be a big sister. Now after this weekend things start to happen and they happen so fast that if you blinked or went somewhere without internet connections and couldnt check your facebook, you would never even know my life changed in an instant.

Introduction

So i decided to write this blog because i really dont know what else to do. My name is Dana i am 29 years old and i just had to deliver my 20 week infant due to lack of a heartbeat. I feel lost and confused and im not really sure how to live my life now. I am heavy and not in the physical sense, although the body image issues are there, i am heavy in my spirit. I feel like i am walking around distracted by this thing that happened, i still cant believe it happened. I have an amazing husband and a 4 year old daughter Ruby who i am more aware how blessed i am to have her now than ever. When i say that i dont mean i didnt feel like she was a blessing before its just that i had no idea how fragile a childs life is even before they are born. When i had Ruby i said i truly understood what the word vunerable meant, it felt as if my heart was out in the the world walking around without me. Now after birthing a stillborn child i truly know vunerability and honestly it scares the shit out of me. I am a self proclaimed control freak, i like to take on the world and do it my way bc it leaves very little to rely on others for, so i then know that things are being done the way i want them done. Children like to kick the control freak in the gut! There is no control, there is no ryhme or reason there is only faith. When i say faith i mean it in any way you want to take it. I have a belief in God but i also believe that the word faith is a little more layered in my vocabulary. I have to have faith that i am a good enough person that my life wont totally fall to shit even when it looks like it headed there on a freight train with no brakes. I have to have faith that i am raising a good person in my daughter and that she wont have to many therapy bills in her future, i mean she should have some or else we have some avoidence issues to deal with i mean everyone needs a little therapy. I have to have faith that my husband loves me and that i am a good wife most of the time and even when im not that he knows im trying. Most of all i have to have faith that my baby girl June is in heaven and i will get to meet her someday. I have to have that to hold onto because if i dont have that my heart might get so heavy it just sinks. So once again i am writing this with no clear intention other than i cant just keep crying so if you are reading this its not here for you to judge, its here for me. i live life to a soundtrack i will try to always add what im listening to: