Introduction

So i decided to write this blog because i really dont know what else to do. My name is Dana i am 29 years old and i just had to deliver my 20 week infant due to lack of a heartbeat. I feel lost and confused and im not really sure how to live my life now. I am heavy and not in the physical sense, although the body image issues are there, i am heavy in my spirit. I feel like i am walking around distracted by this thing that happened, i still cant believe it happened. I have an amazing husband and a 4 year old daughter Ruby who i am more aware how blessed i am to have her now than ever. When i say that i dont mean i didnt feel like she was a blessing before its just that i had no idea how fragile a childs life is even before they are born. When i had Ruby i said i truly understood what the word vunerable meant, it felt as if my heart was out in the the world walking around without me. Now after birthing a stillborn child i truly know vunerability and honestly it scares the shit out of me. I am a self proclaimed control freak, i like to take on the world and do it my way bc it leaves very little to rely on others for, so i then know that things are being done the way i want them done. Children like to kick the control freak in the gut! There is no control, there is no ryhme or reason there is only faith. When i say faith i mean it in any way you want to take it. I have a belief in God but i also believe that the word faith is a little more layered in my vocabulary. I have to have faith that i am a good enough person that my life wont totally fall to shit even when it looks like it headed there on a freight train with no brakes. I have to have faith that i am raising a good person in my daughter and that she wont have to many therapy bills in her future, i mean she should have some or else we have some avoidence issues to deal with i mean everyone needs a little therapy. I have to have faith that my husband loves me and that i am a good wife most of the time and even when im not that he knows im trying. Most of all i have to have faith that my baby girl June is in heaven and i will get to meet her someday. I have to have that to hold onto because if i dont have that my heart might get so heavy it just sinks. So once again i am writing this with no clear intention other than i cant just keep crying so if you are reading this its not here for you to judge, its here for me. i live life to a soundtrack i will try to always add what im listening to: