Im going to back up a second and start actually at Thursday Dec 15, 2011 in the evening. So i had worked 2 days since the ultrasound on Tuesday and when i work i have no time for anything else so Thursday night when i cam home from work i forgot that i had the EKG the next morning and that i should find someone to watch Ruby since Chris had to work and i didn't want to have to keep and eye on her and lay on a table getting an EKG. I told Chris not to take anymore time off bc he had already left work early on Tuesday for the ultrasound and Christmas was coming up so i figured there was no reason to have him come to the appointment. I figured if all else failed i could take Ruby with me bc i was down some babysitting options with my mother in law out of town. Oh yeah i forgot to mention that my sister in law was being induced at 5 am on Thursday with her little boy and that my mother in law had been in Arizona for the last couple weeks helping her get ready and was staying until after the new year along with my father in law who was flying out the day before Christmas eve. So Friday morning my mom called and said that ruby could come to her school for a couple hours to help her since the kids has a half day that day and that i didn't have to take her with me. So i went upstairs and woke ruby up with the news that we were going to Grammies school and we had to stop and get donut holes for a special snack. She was thrilled and we got ready and i told Chris id call him as soon as i heard anything about the baby's heart rate. We got in the car and heading to school to drop ruby off and then to Magee for the EKG. I wasn't nervous, silly i know but i wasn't. I really figured that everything was OK and that worst case scenario we would have to use medication or further monitoring to make sure everything was OK. I checked in at the hospital and sat down in the waiting room. I read baby magazines and looked down at my growing belly with such happiness, she was in there and it was real, i was gonna have another baby. They receptionist called my name to go back to the specialist office and she introduced herself and asked why i was there. I said that i had an ultrasound on Tuesday and that they said that the baby's heartbeat was high for 10 consecutive minutes. She asked how high and i said 160-180. "that's not even high" she said and i agreed BC from what i had read that was completely normal. She went on to tell me that with malpractice insurance being so high that everyone is so quick to cover their butts when it comes to things these days and that she was sure it was nothing. I said that's what i figured but i guess better safe than sorry. Now this room was different than a typical ultrasound office, it was large and sterile feeling with one table in the middle and the EKG machine and screen behind me so i wasn't able to see anything. I told her about Ruby and she made some comment about how i could have brought her bc she loves kids and i said well its easier to not have to keep an eye on her sometimes and just take care of me. She understood and told me to lie down and pull my shirt up and roll my pants down below my pelvic bone. She then introduced me to a resident that wold be watching since it was a teaching hospital. I said that was fine and i shook his hand. Honestly if i could pause for a minute i have to say being at the midwife center has made me not miss Magee one second, i love the intimate feel of the birthing center and the intimate care i get from my midwives. i was truly uneasy in that sterile room in a hospital with no one around for comfort. I really felt alone. She put the warm jelly on my belly and started to move the wand around. She kept moving and pressing and it felt a little strange that she hadn't stopped. Now i know nothing about an EKG let alone an EKG on a baby in a mothers stomach so I'm not asking questions but my heart is racing and i begin to sweat. Somethings not right, again with the instinct and intuition. She had a void look on her face and so did the resident, that didn't help the isolation i was feeling already. She mumbled something about needing to get the specialist to confirm that the images she got were OK and got up and left the room. The room was dim and i couldn't see anything but i started to panic. I could feel everything getting closer and it felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I cant breathe. The specialist comes in and introduces himself to me. He sits down and then asks me the same question the technician did..."why are you here again?" I said ""ummm well they said at my ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby's heart rate was high between 160-180 and gave me your card. "well that's not even high" he said. "i know that's what i thought too but now my heart rate is high so can you please tell me what the fuck is going on! is everything OK?"
"unfortunately no.....there is no fetal heartbeat."
OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no this isn't happening that's not why I'm here, I'm not high risk everything was fine i mean i just saw her two days ago oh my god how my husband oh my god my baby how am i going to tell my baby that her sister is dead oh my god this isn't happening what happened why is this happening to me were they lying on Tuesday was something wrong with her and they didn't tell me I'm gonna throw up please find my phone i have to call my husband oh my god no this isn't happening how is this happening somebody please wake me up
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