Friday Dec 16, 2011

Im going to back up a second and start actually at Thursday Dec 15, 2011 in the evening. So i had worked 2 days since the ultrasound on Tuesday and when i work i have no time for anything else so Thursday night when i cam home from work i forgot that i had the EKG the next morning and that i should find someone to watch Ruby since Chris had to work and i didn't want to have to keep and eye on her and lay on a table getting an EKG. I told Chris not to take anymore time off bc he had already left work early on Tuesday for the ultrasound and Christmas was coming up so i figured there was no reason to have him come to the appointment. I figured if all else failed i could take Ruby with me bc i was down some babysitting options with my mother in law out of town. Oh yeah i forgot to mention that my sister in law was being induced at 5 am on Thursday with her little boy and that my mother in law had been in Arizona for the last couple weeks helping her get ready and was staying until after the new year along with my father in law who was flying out the day before Christmas eve. So Friday morning my mom called and said that ruby could come to her school for a couple hours to help her since the kids has a half day that day and that i didn't have to take her with me. So i went upstairs and woke ruby up with the news that we were going to Grammies school and we had to stop and get donut holes for a special snack. She was thrilled and we got ready and i told Chris id call him as soon as i heard anything about the baby's heart rate. We got in the car and heading to school to drop ruby off and then to Magee for the EKG. I wasn't nervous, silly i know but i wasn't. I really figured that everything was OK and that worst case scenario we would have to use medication or further monitoring to make sure everything was OK. I checked in at the hospital and sat down in the waiting room. I read baby magazines and looked down at my growing belly with such happiness, she was in there and it was real, i was gonna have another baby. They receptionist called my name to go back to the specialist office and she introduced herself and asked why i was there. I said that i had an ultrasound on Tuesday and that they said that the baby's heartbeat was high for 10 consecutive minutes. She asked how high and i said 160-180. "that's not even high" she said and i agreed BC from what i had read that was completely normal.  She went on to tell me that with malpractice insurance being so high that everyone is so quick to cover their butts when it comes to things these days and that she was sure it was nothing. I said that's what i figured but i guess better safe than sorry. Now this room was different than a typical ultrasound office, it was large and sterile feeling with one table in the middle and the EKG machine and screen behind me so i wasn't able to see anything. I told her about Ruby and she made some comment about how i could have brought her bc she loves kids and i said well its easier to not have to keep an eye on her sometimes and just take care of me. She understood and told me to lie down and pull my shirt up and roll my pants down below my pelvic bone. She then introduced me to a resident that wold be watching since it was a teaching hospital. I said that was fine and i shook his hand. Honestly if i could pause for a minute i have to say being at the midwife center has made me not miss Magee one second, i love the intimate feel of the birthing center and the intimate care i get from my midwives. i was truly uneasy in that sterile room in a hospital with no one around for comfort. I really felt alone. She put the warm jelly on my belly and started to move the wand around. She kept moving and pressing and it felt a little strange that she hadn't stopped. Now i know nothing about an EKG let alone an EKG on a baby in a mothers stomach so I'm not asking questions but my heart is racing and i begin to sweat. Somethings not right, again with the instinct and intuition. She had a void look on her face and so did the resident, that didn't help the isolation i was feeling already. She mumbled something about needing to get the specialist to confirm that the images she got were OK and got up and left the room. The room was dim and i couldn't see anything but i started to panic. I could feel everything getting closer and it felt as if my heart was going to beat out of my chest. I cant breathe. The specialist comes in and introduces himself to me. He sits down and then asks me the same question the technician did..."why are you here again?" I said ""ummm well they said at my ultrasound on Tuesday that the baby's heart rate was high between 160-180 and gave me your card. "well that's not even high" he said. "i know that's what i thought too but now my heart rate is high so can you please tell me what the fuck is going on! is everything OK?"

"unfortunately no.....there is no fetal heartbeat."

OH MY GOD NO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no this isn't happening that's not why I'm here, I'm not high risk everything was fine i mean i just saw her two days ago oh my god how my husband oh my god my baby how am i going to tell my baby that her sister is dead oh my god this isn't happening what happened why is this happening to me were they lying on Tuesday was something wrong with her and they didn't tell me I'm gonna throw up please find my phone i have to call my husband oh my god no this isn't happening how is this happening somebody please wake me up

Tuesday Dec. 13, 2011

So i have been trying to figure out why it has taken almost 3 weeks to have the nerve to post again. I think i know what these next couple entries are going to do to me and so i have been avoiding them. However i never stop playing the movie that is this week of dec13-dec18 in my head so i feel it is time to tell it. I have to warn you that it is going to hurt, i have to remind  myself that its going to help.
So its Tuesday Dec 13th and we are going to find out the sex of baby bannon at 2:15pm. All day i am just preparing to go to see my baby and find out if ruby will have a brother or a sister. I have a feeling of confidence that i didnt have yesterday after hearing her heartbeat last night. So i drink my 8 oz of water and refrain from using the bathroom 30 minutes before like i am instructed. Now on a side note i did originally have an ultrasound on friday dec 17th but i wanted one of those 4D images of this baby so i changed appointments to an imaging place that offered them. Ok so we Got to the office and met Chris in the parking lot, he was so excited and so was ruby. I had told her we were gonna be able to see the baby today and we will get to watch a video of her moving around in my belly. So went checked in and went in for the appointment. they had a huge screen in front of the bed so we could all see the baby really well. The technician came in and got started, she asked us if we wanted to know the sex of the baby and i saud yes. I could already tell by her moving around the babys legs what it was but i didnt say anything. She showed us the heart and told us it was healthy and that her brain development was good and her growth was on point with her gestational age. Thats when she rolled the ultrasound wand over my belly and said ITS A GIRL! i knew it! i figured if there was a penis we would have seen it by now and so i thought she was gonna say that! SISTERS! i was so excited for ruby to have a sister, i always wanted a sister and now my girls were gonna have each other. I was so relieved to see her moving around in there bc i hadnt really felt her that much so its great to know she is in there moving around. She was opening her mouth and stretching her legs and waving her arms, it was almost as if she was showing me "see mom im ok im just too tiny still for you to feel me". I noticed at that time that they were running a fetal heart monitor and the technician asked me what her previous heart rates had been. I told her we were just at the midwife center the day before and that it was 155, it is always around 150-155. "Hmmm" she said "so its always been a little high then." um no not according to everything i know i was told it was normal but what is she talking about. So she said everything looked to be just fine and that she was gonna get us a dvd and some pictures of the baby and she would return shortly. It took a a really long time, or at least it felt like it was a really long time and i said to chris "somethings wrong" . He said no way we just saw her and everything was fine im sure its nothing dont worry. I am worried, somethings not right i can feel it. Finally after about 20 minutes a doctor comes in and sayd that she is the attending physician at the imaging center and that the baby is growing fine and everything looks good but that she wants to send us to a fetal heart specialist for a EKG because the babys heartrate was between 160-180 for 10 consecutive minutes and that it was a little high. FUCK! you have got to be kidding me! i mean i cant believe i cant leave this place just happy to have a little girl coming i now have to be worried about this EKG. She reassured us that it was probably nothing and that it was just a safety precaution. For some reason though i didnt feel OK, i felt uneasy and i just wanted to get out of there. She gave me a card with the Dr.s name and number and before i was even in the elevator i called and scheduled an appointment for Friday Dec 16 at 9 am. If i could have gone right then and there i would have but they couldn't see us till Friday. Oh and no i didn't even get the damn 4D ultrasound bc the technician said the baby wasn't in a good position. I will always wonder if that was true or if she was hiding something from us. I have really learned that i have a high intuition of people and situations and that i need to be more in tune with that, something about that place and that woman rubbed me wrong and i feel like i know why. SO we walked out to the car and i just broke down bc i just want some relief with this baby. I cant even be happy that im having a girl bcfacebook about how excited we were to be having another girl and that ruby was having a sister. It felt good to see her today and in my heart i named her that day, her name was June, i knew that was her name bc i saw her in my head. I visualized June in my future for the first time and it was an amazing feeling.

Listening to Florence + The Machine "Heartlines"

Monday Decmeber 12, 2011

Ok so like i had said i had thought i was feeling movement from baby around thanksgiving but then nothing again, went to the midwives so i could hear the heartbeat and everything was great! Monday Dec. 12th is here and i take ruby to school and im gonna pick her up early so we can all meet at the Imaging office to see the Baby and find out what we are having. I went to grab some lunch and grocery shop before getting Ruby. I texted my sister in law and mother in law in Phoenix to see how Natalie (SIL) is doing bc she is having a little boy any day now. While on the phone she tells me she scheduled an induction for thursday Dec. 15th at 5 am bc her boy was ready to come out, i got a call and missed it. When i called back the number it was the Imaging office telling me i had missed my appointment at noon! I was freaking out bc i knew i had been told 2:15 i had a card and everything and i was so anxious/excited! The receptionist told me to come in the very next day at 2:15pm instead so i didnt have to be rushed through an appointment. HOLY DISSAPPOINTMENT! Well i had a midwives appointment that night anyways so at least i knew id get to hear the heartbeat tonight, some comfort. Chris came home and we ate dinner and got in the car with Ruby and went to our appointment. We had Emily (CNMW) that night for the first time, which is their rules, to try to meet a new midwife with each visit so you know them all when its time to deliver. Well Emily was great let me tell you, she was awesome with Ruby and had just a really great spirit about her, i dont know i just felt really connected and it felt great. Ruby helped her put the jelly on my belly and move the doppler around to hear baby, and there he/she was with a nice strong heartbeat and i sighed with relief out loud. I always do well i should say i always do something when i hear it, cry, sigh or smile really big. Last appointment i cried this time i sighed with such relief and Emily said "sounds great honey, good strong heartbeat" Ruby was so happy and excited she just lit up. I said honey tomorrow we will go see a pitcture of the baby and see if its a boy or a girl. So we left and went home to relax and get some sleep before the big day! I could hardly sleep, tomorrow i get to do what i have been waiting for, tomorrow i get to see my baby and know that i will see him/her bc i just heard the heartbeat. Oh what lies we are told when we are pregnant, I'll get to that later.

Journey 1- We're Pregnant

So i am going to take you through this most recent tragedy, its not going to be easy but we all have a voice if nothing else and i am using mine. I had been waiting for very specific milestones with this pregnancy. After loosing a pregnancy at 5 weeks we got pregnant again 2 weeks later. Honestly didnt think it was going to happen like that i just thought lets see if it everything is working and yep there ya go...pregnant! So you can only imagine how nervous i was, we only told family and that didnt include my daughter yet. I couldnt bring myself to cause her saddness if we lost it again and trust me i was relieved she didnt know about the first miscarriage. Alas my friends thats the first mistake you can make with children, you cant spare them sadness its part of life. So i waited for my confimation of pregnancy at the midwife center, and yep there it was i was definitly pregnant. I got an ultrasound to confirm how far along i was and for a little comforting bc my midwives are awesome like that. So we were 6 weeks and 1 day at the ultrasound and i let out a little sigh of relief. Not a full sigh though because i really wasnt able to take the wall down from before. i couldnt get attatched yet bc i really didnt feel safe about it, it could still be gone tomorrow. So next milestone is the 9 week appointment where i am going to beg to hear the heartbeat, oh that heartbeat will forever haunt me now. No one knows yet other than my family so baggy shirts, cardigans and jeggings are my best friend. Ok so fast forward to the appointment where i heard my babys heartbeat and it was glorious! I looked at my daughter and said "honey do you know what that is?"she said "no what is it?" i said "its a baby in my belly" she turned to my husband and said "theres a baby in her belly!" She was so excited, hell we all were. So we started to tell people at work and on social network sites and Ruby told everybody! So now its out there in the world, im pregnant, now to just get to the second trimester fingers crossed 3 more weeks! Next milestone is complete i am 12 weeks and out of the danger zone! So we are having our monthly appontments i feel like shit and its a good thing bc it reminds me im pregnant everyday and in some sick and twisted way im glad to be nauseous and have acne. My belly is swelling and its glorious, i can still fit in alot of my clothes but i have to make some adjustments. I still wait though for the little black cloud that is miscarriage . So now we get to the appointment where we get our scrip for the 18-20 week ultrasound to find out the sex and see the baby. I leave and make an appointment as soon as i can to make sure chris can get out of work and Ruby doesnt have school, we wait till right before 20 weeks so we can get the gender as suugested on the phone. Dec 16 at 9am. So now all i do is wait for that milestone, the milestone that says its all ok and we are definitly having a baby!. I start to nest slightly with home improvement projects and buying something like carseats on craigslist.  Im at 15 weeks and i think im starting to feel some movement in my lower belly, i know its soon but i know what they feel like and i swear it was the baby moving, its reassurring and i like it. Now its Thanksgiving and im at 16 weeks and no real movement anymore and im bummed i want to feel the baby, its another milestone. I express my anxiety about the movement and everyone says its probably to soon and it was just gas earlier. bummer. So i decide that i definitly dont want to go into this sonogram without hearing the heartbeat again so i call the midwife and they allow me to come in for a fetal heartbeat check, im at 18 weeks now and all is fine bc there is a good strong heartrate 150. Its always around 150-155 or at least the 3 times ive heard it now. ok so only a week to go and its the day, the day all my fears can rest to the side and i can see my baby. After that quick heart rate check something changes in me i feel like i have turned a bend. I take my clothes out of my closet and make a bin marked "pre pregnancy clothes" i fill my closet with empire waists and ruched tops, drawers fill with maternity leggings and belly bands. Its the holiday season and we have some parties so i buy a nice preggo party outfit and guess what i win Best Local Salon in the city paper, im feeling good. Life is gonna get a little crazy in the spring but im ready, i have put some things in place so i can grow in my personal life as well as in my business. I decide i cant wait for december 16th, i want a 3d/4d sonogram so i lookinto imaging places and i make an appountment for Monday dec 12th instead and im excited, i only have to wait the weekend now. We go to holiday work parties and im glowing i can feel it. im bursting at the chance to talk about my growing baby and how happy Ruby is to be a big sister. Now after this weekend things start to happen and they happen so fast that if you blinked or went somewhere without internet connections and couldnt check your facebook, you would never even know my life changed in an instant.

Introduction

So i decided to write this blog because i really dont know what else to do. My name is Dana i am 29 years old and i just had to deliver my 20 week infant due to lack of a heartbeat. I feel lost and confused and im not really sure how to live my life now. I am heavy and not in the physical sense, although the body image issues are there, i am heavy in my spirit. I feel like i am walking around distracted by this thing that happened, i still cant believe it happened. I have an amazing husband and a 4 year old daughter Ruby who i am more aware how blessed i am to have her now than ever. When i say that i dont mean i didnt feel like she was a blessing before its just that i had no idea how fragile a childs life is even before they are born. When i had Ruby i said i truly understood what the word vunerable meant, it felt as if my heart was out in the the world walking around without me. Now after birthing a stillborn child i truly know vunerability and honestly it scares the shit out of me. I am a self proclaimed control freak, i like to take on the world and do it my way bc it leaves very little to rely on others for, so i then know that things are being done the way i want them done. Children like to kick the control freak in the gut! There is no control, there is no ryhme or reason there is only faith. When i say faith i mean it in any way you want to take it. I have a belief in God but i also believe that the word faith is a little more layered in my vocabulary. I have to have faith that i am a good enough person that my life wont totally fall to shit even when it looks like it headed there on a freight train with no brakes. I have to have faith that i am raising a good person in my daughter and that she wont have to many therapy bills in her future, i mean she should have some or else we have some avoidence issues to deal with i mean everyone needs a little therapy. I have to have faith that my husband loves me and that i am a good wife most of the time and even when im not that he knows im trying. Most of all i have to have faith that my baby girl June is in heaven and i will get to meet her someday. I have to have that to hold onto because if i dont have that my heart might get so heavy it just sinks. So once again i am writing this with no clear intention other than i cant just keep crying so if you are reading this its not here for you to judge, its here for me. i live life to a soundtrack i will try to always add what im listening to: